Top Write Corner

I just returned from a weekend visit to Jerome Arizona, the "Largest Ghost Town in America." One of the ghosts is proudly showing its patriotic support for Hillary Clinton by hanging up six red, white and blue brassieres:



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We used to celebrate Earth Day. But now we can spare only an hour. Next year, it'll be down to Earth Minute. I got some giggles from their FAQ, though:

Aren’t you using a heap of electricity and resources to promote this event?
Earth Hour is operating under our Principles of Operation, which we are happy to share with you. Earth Hour is a carbon neutral event.

What candles should I use for my Earth Hour event?
If you plan on burning candles during Earth Hour, make sure you use 100% beeswax candles ...

How will Earth Hour help?
Earth Hour shows that, together, our small actions can make a difference to global warming.

No. Holding our collective breath for one hour per year will make no statistical difference at all. We human beings have demonstrated, through our bad choices (gas-guzzling cars, smoke-spewing factories, smoke-spewing cigarette addicts, etc.) that we are the next eager candidates for extinction. We should accept our fates gracefully. Between 8 and 9 tonight, I think we should turn on every light in our houses, open our fridge doors and crank up our stereos to party like it's 1999. ;-)

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Search Engine Optimization (SEO) is a service you can buy to boost your website's position on the search engine results page, when Internet surfers try to find certain keywords or phrases, like "Mesa Giant Red Nipple." If you plug that four-word phrase into any of the top web search engines, my site will come out pretty darn near the top. In cyberspace, I am considered to be *the* expert on Mesa Giant Red Nipples, and I've worked very hard to cultivate that reputation.

I've posted at least half a dozen articles on the subject. I've created a couple of blogs that mirror the phrase and link back to my website. I've done some social bookmarking on sites with memorable names like del.icio.us. Or is it deli.cio.us? I can never remember.

If I were really serious about maintaining my Number One ranking, I would hire a squad of Bulgarians and Pakistanis, at ten cents an hour, to find blogs with some "relevancy." For a keyword phrase like "Mesa Giant Red Nipple," they would probably come up with sites showing the difference between a mesa and a butte, or raving about NY Giants football, or offering Simply Red concert photos, or selling breast augmentation and nipple piercing services.

Or they might be less relevant.

Then I would tell the Bulgarians and Pakistanis to write comments and drop links on those blogs, cleverly disguised to blend into the existing conversational threads: "I make plenty big touchdown in my socker game less week. -Rogger, Mesa Giant Red Nipple [link]."

Or maybe I would hire Lithuanians and Vietnamese to do this part of the job. Everyone knows those darn Pakistanis can't blend in anywhere.

But perhaps you're pressed for time and have too much money to worry about small matters like SEO. That's when you go out and hire an SEO firm. They also list themselves under acronyms like SEM (Search Engine Marketing) and SES (Search Engine Strategists). If you don't know anything about hiring an SEO company, here's a list of pointers:

(1) The SEO CEO (Chief Executive Officer) must be able to dazzle you with dialect and baffle you with bullpucky. If he doesn't use jargon like "keyword density" and "backlink boosting," he doesn't know his stuff. On the other hand, if he can rattle off five or six sentences in a slangy SEO-ese lingo, and those sentences make no sense to you at all, he's probably the guy you want.

(2) Most of his staff should be in their early twenties. The younger, the better. In fact, if the CEO is older than 29, he probably hasn't been immersed in cyberspace for more than half his life, so his genetic sequencing hasn't mutated enough to provide the kind of service you need.

(3) Your SEO CEO should assure you that he performs only "ethical" or "organic" or "white hat" SEO. He should also warn you that his competitors engage in "black hat" SEO, and their efforts often result in search engine penalties. He should tell you that if you use those other guys, your site might end up getting banned by Google. He should really scare you. If you're not terrified, he's no freakin' good.

(4) He should offer to research the precise keyword phrases that people customarily use to find your business. Then he should propose "optimizing" your website for those keywords. "Optimizing" is techspeak for "charging exorbitant fees to insert one of your keyword phrases into each paragraph on your site."

(5) By the way, you can discover the same keyword phrases by casually perusing the free server logs provided by your website's hosting company.

(6) At this point, your SEO CEO should offer to sell you custom-written keyword-rich articles that link back to your website. He will tell you he's placing those articles on websites in his inventory that have been carefully selected for their "relevancy." Think nipple piercing.

(7) He should never characterize his inventory websites as "link farms." Even though they are, in truth, link farms.

(8) For the coup de grâce, he will carefully gauge your GQ (Gullibility Quotient), and perhaps offer to sell you "backlink boosting." Make sure to ask whether he uses Pakistanis or Lithuanians.

***

The SEO industry came into being approximately ten seconds after Google announced its PageRank system. Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia, says that "PageRank is a link analysis algorithm that assigns a numerical weighting to each element of a hyperlinked set of documents, such as the World Wide Web, with the purpose of measuring its relative importance within the set."

How much do you wanna bet that some hotshot SEO CEO wrote that sentence?

PageRank (PR) tells me your website's relative importance. If you're PR 1 or 2, I can't even risk being seen with you. But if you're PR 8 or 9, I will anxiously wait by the phone, hoping to be invited to your next party.

SEOers rely on PageRank like the rest of us rely on air. In fact, your average SEOer keeps a wary eye on everything that Google does, because Google created--and can easily destroy--his business. When giant Google takes a BLEEP, every SEOer minutely examines the steaming heap.

But some SEOers want to be ahead of the curve, so they don't wait until the golden turds hit the ground. They jump up, trying to get a view inside Google's butt. They want to know how the digestive system works. The express concern when Google experiences constipation. They offer suppositories for the occasional hemorrhoid. They break out their umbrellas when Google has diarrhea.

Every time Google pitches a puny pebble into the placid pond of SEO, the ensuing ripples can seem like tidal waves to an SEO CEO. If Google makes a tiny adjustment to the way it does business, a complacent SEOer might go bankrupt. To provide an extra security blanket, there's a whole additional layer of SEO practitioners, the SEO Consultants. An SEOcon makes his living by watching Google closely, while analyzing the speeches, blogs, and public pronouncements of Google insiders. The SEOcon then sells his analyses to other SEO geeks via pricey newsletters and books. Some of those books sell for many hundreds of dollars. Good bullpucky ain't cheap.

***

So the primary objective in SEO today is to figure out what Google is thinking and how it operates. Some companies try to discover how a competitor's widget works through reverse engineering. They take apart the widget and analyze its technological principles, attempting to duplicate its function without infringing any copyrights. Some companies turn computer hackers loose on a competitor's system, to discover vulnerabilities they can exploit.

And some companies try to hack Google.

Most reputable firms want to avoid, as much as possible, paying for ads on search engine results pages. They want their websites to appear near the top of those results pages in a natural way... "organically." But good "organic" search results are not as chock-full of healthy goodness as the word might imply. To get a high organic ranking, companies usually try to spam the search engines. They pay an SEOer to put their spammy "keyword-rich" pages on inventory websites. They pay the SEOer to hire spam-generating Pakistanis. They pay the SEOer for "backlink boosting."

By the way, doesn't "Backlink Boosting" sound like a great title for gay porn?


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(Extra Special 7th Anniversary Director's Cut Chartrooz-Ray OCD Edition)

1) Slit the clear plastic shrink wrap with a knife or pair of scissors, being careful NOT to slit the clear plastic slipcover underneath. That's permanent... just like the long ugly slice that you just put into it, you stupid idiot. Worst Possible Case: the shrink wrap is stiff, rather than soft, and has been heat-sealed to the spine of the DVD case. If this happens, you will spend the rest of your life trying to scratch off the last vestiges of the plastic from the case, because every time you pick it up, you will feel little plastic remnants fluttering against your hand and they will slowly drive you BLEEP crazy.

2a) If the DVD case is cheap cardboard with a black plastic snap strip, you will need to use your fingernail to carefully remove the large round piece of clear plastic tape fastening the cardboard front cover to the long snap strip on the right side. Worst Possible Case: the plastic tape will rip a large hunk out of the cardboard cover image, which will drive you BLEEP crazy, every time you look at it.

2b) Alternatively, if the DVD case has been fabricated from molded plastic, use your fingernail to carefully scratch off the white title strip of plastic tape from the top edge of the plastic case. Worst Possible Case: if you don't painstakingly roll the edge of the title strip, just after lifting up a small corner with your fingernail, the title strip will split and force you to start again from scratch. Another Worst Possible Case: the title strip might be so sticky that it leaves a gummy residue on the DVD case, so you will need to re-apply the longest strip of plastic tape (it *has* split into many small strips, no?) to the gummy sections, and try to remove the sticky residue by quickly ripping up the re-applied strip, much like tearing off a band-aid encrusted with blood. Yet Another Worst Possible Case: the sadistic DVD companies often apply strips of plastic tape not only to the top of the case, but also to the side and bottom. In this eventuality, you will probably be left with a sticky, gummy, yucky DVD case, so please feel free to go BLEEP crazy.

3) Assuming you have successfully opened the DVD case, you will now feel an overwhelming need to remove the rectangular plastic security chip glued to the inside of the case. Resist this urge. Let it go. Deep breaths. Okay, you've just slipped your fingernail under the edge, to see if it will... oh, BLEEP. It's embedded under your fingernail, isn't it? Plus, that tender skin beneath your fingernail is bleeding, right? And when you lift up the chip, a glittering piece of foil remains stuck to the inside of the case, doesn't it? Didn't I tell you to resist the urge? Didn't I tell you to let it go? Didn't I tell you to take deep breaths?

You stubborn anal moron. You richly deserve to go BLEEP crazy.

Just like me.

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Aren't they stylish?



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Today is Super Tuesday, when presidential primaries or caucuses are held simultaneously in 24 states, including Arizona. Most sane voters have a choice between a 45-year-old black senator and a 59-year-old female senator. The wackos on the other side seem stuck on the 71-year-old, Panama-born, ex-P.O.W. senator from Arizona. November's general election should be historic, to say the least.

The Powers That Be foisted Super Sunday on us this past weekend, and now it's Super Tuesday. If anybody suggests having just one more Super day this week, my head will explode.

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It looks like the Mesa Giant Red Nipple series will never die...



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During 1988's summer solstice, Swiss violinist Paul Giger was allowed to enter the crypt and upper church of the cathedral at Chartres, France to record one of the finest... well, I can't write enough superlatives about Chartres. But other people can:

"Henry Adams wrote half a book about it: `Chartres [cathedral] expressed, besides whatever else it meant, an emotion, the deepest man ever felt - the struggle of his own littleness, to grasp the infinite.´ But you could listen to Chartres blindfolded and be impressed by the ancient/pagan power of Giger's raw bow scrapes, madly-fiddled chords, high uninflected long notes, and didgeridoo-like droning. He taps something deep, elemental, and emotional, beyond or beside the brainbusting computations." --City Paper, Baltimore

"Giger's music is undisciplined to the extent that it sounds more like improvisation than a written-out composition. In the range of its references it is unashamedly eclectic; the naive and the rhetorical rub shoulders; traditional, experimental and psychedelic happily cohabit; everything is embraced from organum to Penderecki, from folk-fiddling to the song of the humpbacked whale. Nor is a single trick of the violinist's craft missed. Harmonics, glissandos, multiple stops, devil's trills, fancy bowings, the noises of wood and horse-hair, all have a place in the design. This may sound unpromising, but in fact Giger's spectacular technical control of his instrument saves the day. In virtuosity he far outclasses many concert violinists, and his resourcefulness and assurance breathe vitality into the work. At best, in the concluding `Holy Center´ (much indebted to La Monte Young and Stockhausen's Stimmung), there is a marvelous sense of a man totally at one with his violin, voice and instrument simultaneously lost in contemplation of the marvels of natural harmonics." --J.M. Gramophone



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I walk past this weird-looking saguaro (right) a couple of times each week.

It always seems vaguely familiar.

Today, I finally remembered the Cantina scene from the first (1977) Star Wars film:



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If Arizon(i)ans tell visitors, "but it's a dry heat," I just laugh. When the monsoon season comes to our state, in July, the sun-baked desert turns into a sweltering steambath. This past summer, we were watching the gale-force winds and sideways rain through our patio doors, when a tiny bird ran across the back yard and over into the 90-degree angle where our wall meets the neighbors' walls. That bird tucked his head down and leaned into the corner, obviously trying to escape the hurricane-like conditions.

We timed him: he stayed in that corner, looking like a child who was being punished, for seven minutes.

BTW, Anikó and I are really pissed off about this "monsoon" BLEEP. For the last two years, we enjoyed the blistering DRY summers in the northwest corner of the Sonora Desert, near Palm Springs, California. When we moved to Arizona's portion of the same desert, we assumed it had a similar climate. I mean, if we had wanted heat and HUMIDITY, we would have moved to friggin' Florida. ;-)

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[A] Upon first driving into Mesa about a year ago, we saw several puzzling signs, pointing the way to "PIR." What in tarnation is a "PIR"?

Luckily--or unluckily, depending on how you look at it--we bumped into some rabid NASCAR fans about a month later, and they cracked the code for us: Phoenix International Raceway.

[B] We had been noticing an equally-cryptic acronym on the carpool/diamond lane signs ("HOV 2+"), and that one kept us guessing for several weeks longer. It obviously limits the lane to Vehicles ("V") containing two or more people ("2+"), but what kind of Vehicles: [1] Huggable Orange Vehicles; [2] Hummer Offroad Vehicles; or maybe [3] Horrendously Overblown Vehicles? (Oops, sorry - #3 is indistinguishable from #2.)

Nosiree, Bob. "HOV" refers to High Occupancy Vehicles. Hm. The bureaucrats not only created an obscure term, they also hid the term behind its initials.

Maybe this is why Europeans use pictograms on their road signs...



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Upon accepting her lead-actor SAG award for "Away From Her," Julie Christie said: "It’s lovely to receive an award from your own union, especially at a time when we're being so forcefully reminded how important unions are."

Conglom NBC/Universal reports (through their MSNBC mouthpiece): Writers strike gets little attention at SAGs.

But Variety sez: WGA strike a hot topic at SAG Awards.

Who do YOU believe?

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The Federal computer geeks came up with a 1040 PDF tax form that allows you to save your data between hand-wringing-hair-ripping-weeping-wailing-and-gnashing
-of-teeth sessions. The form is simple, basic and somewhat stupid; just like the government geeks who designed it, I suspect.

We recently relocated from the Palm Springs area, so I also downloaded the 540 PDF tax form. I noticed those California computer geeks had come up with a form that allows you to save your data between sessions AND reset everything to blank after you file the form, so you won't need to face those awful numbers ever-ever-ever again. It also copies your name and Social Security number from the first page to the second page, automatically. Sweet.

But our own homegrown Arizona computer geeks have created a 140 PDF tax form that is so breathtaking in its near-brilliance, I was nearly speechless. This 9-page document copies your name and Social Security number into 8 different places on 7 separate forms. But that's only the beginning: it also CALCULATES YOUR TAX, depending on the numbers you enter into the various forms. Everything works together, interdependently; it's just like installing a fancy piece of tax-prep software on your own computer. These Arizona geeks can be real geniuses, when they put their nerdy little heads together.

However, I've discovered one glaring drawback: this 140 PDF form doesn't let you save your data between sessions.

Sometimes these Arizona genius geeks can be pretty darn dumb.

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Last weekend, we had a lovely time... panning for gold in a quaint ghost town, driving through the spectacular Superstition Mountains, and chomping chili fries, topped off with prickly pear ice cream and homemade fudge, at an old stagecoach stop.

Mammoth Steakhouse & Saloon: Goldfield Ghost Town, AZ 480/983-6402
Superstition Restaurant & Saloon: Tortilla Flat, AZ (mile marker 213) 480/984-1776

Both of these great places are located on the historic Apache Trail (State Route 88), and I just discovered several cool things about this scenic winding drive: (a) it's America's oldest roadway, (b) there are some colorful vintage postcards here [and here], and (c) best of all, it features "Flaming Arrows!", "Flaming Drama!" and "Flaming Romance!":



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This week, the WGA signed interim deals with Lionsgate, Marvel Studios and RKO Pictures, undercutting the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers: The AMPTP has continued to characterize these temporary arrangements as "one-off," meaning whatever terms the WGA and alliance arrive at one day will ultimately supersede these individual deals.

The WGA has already signed "one-off" deals with United Artists, the Weinstein Co., Sidney Kimmel Entertainment, Spyglass Entertainment, MRC, Jackson Bites, Mandate Films and Worldwide Pants. Let's hope the AMPTP will soon be "one-offed" into realizing how wrong they were.



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